15 years today since I lost my mother to cancer. Some years I get through the days better than others. Today was a tough year. I don't know if it's because of the number 15...just sounds monumental...if it's because we've been struggling with Noah being sick... or what...but I had a hard time finding the joy in the day. There were moments...seeing Jackson's smile...Noah waking up feeling happy after vomiting yet again last night. But I felt a sinking, heavy, grumpy feeling all day today. And despite my attempts to wash it off...it just lingered. After some maladaptive coping of Blue Bell ice cream and chocolate, I decided to go to the nursery and do something positive with my negative energy. I bought some plants and planted about 5 flats of pansies.
I can remember shortly after my mother died...when we planted pansies in my mother's memorial garden on my parents' land. I remember my father planting the pansies and saying that my mother was a lot like the pansy flower. Seemingly delicate...beautiful...but tough. Pansies are a tough flower. They withstand the harsh elements. Yes, my mother was like a pansy, indeed. Truly the most amazing person I've ever met. As I wept while digging in the dirt today...her words came ringing loudly into my heart. It was as if I could hear her say, "Brenda, fear not. Only believe." Such a woman of faith. How I wish I had her strength, her patience, her grace...all areas I struggle with. But I know I have to be me...flaws and all, and some days that's tougher than others...days like today, for example.
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I never knew your mom but I know she would be so so so proud of the woman you are today, B. What mom wouldn't? Yes, you indeed gotta be you but YOU are awesome.
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